woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
