when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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