first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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