Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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