Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
