The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
