Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
either way he was missing a nipple.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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