My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
