either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
