oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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