"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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