I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
