So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
