I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
