the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
