Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I think my moral compass just broke
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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