I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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