Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Woke up backwards on a recliner
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
