Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
