grandma shit on top of the toilet
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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