i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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