Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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