We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
