I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just forgot I was standing up.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
