i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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