god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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