dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
