does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
