8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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