don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
