The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
