You can't motorboat a personality
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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