Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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