How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
