You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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