My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
