She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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