I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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