OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
