..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
