you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
