I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
