Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My vagina is very pro this idea
I came so hard my ears popped.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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