I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
you made out with another girl for some wings
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
