Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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