so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
