I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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