oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
