you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
