I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
