so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
