I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
