are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
