it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
