I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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