Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
