ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
