Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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