Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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