Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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