Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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