he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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